Blog, I’m Back!

Home. This word doesn’t paint the same picture in my head that it used to. Whereas it was places and smells and feelings, now home looks like people; it looks like hearts with the same passion as mine: Kingdom. Being “home” this summer was not what I wanted it to be. I tried my hardest not to have expectations for it before getting there but somehow it still fell short. I think I wanted everyone and everything to feel just like it did when I left but the truth is that I changed… A LOT… and what I used to find joy in seems so meaningless now and the things I once held at such high importance are like crumbs to the feast that is my newfound fascination: life on His mission. 

As much as I ADORE all things Texas and can’t get enough of my family, the transition from a life of abandonment, relentlessly serving and being served, all the time in the world to seek Jesus with my whole heart without any distractions, and a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love from my community like I’ve never known before… back to a culture that operates out of excess, selfishness,  fast paced and packed schedules, and hatred and criticism that is the fuel of hell’s fire was, to say the very least, hard. They always talked about culture shock when switching between countries on the race and how difficult it might be since the next country would be so different from what we’re used to but honestly I never really experienced that until coming back to the states. Talk about SHOCK! The first couple weeks back were without a doubt the most confusing and, for lack of a better word, weird weeks I’ve ever had. I couldn’t help but feel like no one understood me or got where I was coming from. People I looked up to and admired before I left I realized were actually not the kind of people I wanted to have influence in my life anymore. In short: things changed. 

It took time to get back into a rhythm and figure out how to function with the same mindset and lifestyle as we did overseas (life=ministry & ministry=life) and fit that into the American Way and cultural expectations that I felt so heavily upon me again. At church, hands weren’t lifted as high or voices projected as loud and it was a strange sight after worshipping with the MOST freedom as a true resident of Heaven for the past nine months with the church of Gap Q. Church on the race ran a good hour+ longer and felt a lot less scripted. If the Spirit was moving, which he always was, then lunch plans could wait, I LOVED IT! There was no schedule on earth that could interfere with the coming of Heaven those Sunday mornings (and Tuesday nights, and Thursday afternoons, and really whenever). 

Please know that I am not saying life was bad when I was home, just shocking and unexpected. BUT there were absolutely some incredibly sweet and picture perfect moments that made me so glad to be where I was. I missed almost a year of life with everyone I love so there was MUCH catching up to do and boy did we do it. I was with someone EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. without fail and talked more than I have during every other summer combined. All the questions about the race were so good for me to be able to answer and process through and I am sooo appreciative of all the people who wanted to hear my heart and really sought to understand me. I missed my family like crazy and couldn’t stop hugging them for three months straight. Whataburger patty melts and BlueBell ice ream was even better than I remembered and the freedom of driving a car was the most liberating sensation that I can’t accurately describe with english words. Once I did start finding ways to bring Kingdom without the people and scheduled ministry time I had grown accustomed to, it was so so sweet and rewarding and I got a glimpse of how life as a radical warrior of His army can look in a place like San Angelo, TX instead of an orphanage in Myanmar or the slums of Costa Rica. Those three months were a strange dance of trying to settle into home again while also preparing to pack up and leave for another few months to team lead for Gap A and help them through their first leg of the life changing journey the Lord is taking them on this year. I was stuck between processing being home and everything that had happened since I left and also trying to be in the right head and heart space to be the best alumni team leader my girls need in September. 

I’ve been on the field for a couple weeks now, back in South Africa aka my favorite place ever, with the most talented, energetic, hungry, life-giving, hilarious, and God-fearing 18-20 year olds I’ve ever had the privilege of loving. Life with them looks like dance parties at least twice an hour every hour no matter where we are or what we’re doing, LOUD belly laughs around the breakfast table, the most fruitful and Christ-centered conversations, and constantly being poured into with truth and life and love. Wether it’s spontaneous worship in the field in our backyard or watching Nacho Libre as a squad on Friday nights, this season and these people the Lord has so generously and undeservingly gifted to me has me constantly smiling from ear to ear. I’m a fan. Three months with them won’t be near long enough but thank you sweet Jesus that these are life-long relationships you’re growing here.

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged and I know that was all over the place but thanks a million for checking in and stay tuned for all the testimonies to come!